Better days. I feel a little better today I had my moment yesterday where I’m starting to welcome closure. I’ll have the whole rest of the week for time to find solace in the current situation. It was a bit much yesterday sitting in my room reading over a few books thinking about everything I needed to accomplish before surgery. I then get an IM, walk over to the PC, and see a friend of mine left me a note that Matt was found. The last part where it was his body just threw me because there is always a moment of hope, and it was quickly crushed. I’m happy, in a strange way that it’s over. I still remember the day it happened pretty vividly and leaving work when news broke that he was aired on TV. I remember sitting with his mom and dad talking about the crap shoot of the situation, and how his dad had hope he’d back soon after the tape aired.
Cut scene to four years later I’ve done my narrow minded short lived attempts at feeling sorry for myself for the situation. I’ve sat there and blamed myself over and over for my part in the play that was Matts life. When disaster struck its one of those situations where over and over in your mind you locate and recall those moments you were around or with them. Then you start to wonder about associations with the current events and how you played the cause and effect game. It just doesn’t work. You can’t just sit there and think, man, what if. It will kill you, and definitely not in the short term. It’s a long drawn out painful process that nobody should go through.
Matt was a good guy be it also a goofy, nonchalant, and funny guy. Matt has the body of a body builder, but had no game when it came to the ladies. There were a few girlfriends come and go, but only one that he really seemed to want. She ended up Dear Johning him, and then comes to the Matt functions bawling her head off playing the girlfriend part. I could say more about Amy, but I’ll restrain. They both still owe me a Chinese dinner, but it looks like Matt’s off the hook on that one now.
Good times. I have my giant old truck in the garage that is painted multiple colors, and the dog poo one Matt sat out in the hot summer sun helping me paint on with a brush. In return I helped him paint his windshield wipers on his 80’s model Nova. Man he hated that car, but it got him around town.
Just crazy small little world we live in. I think too, that it seems they didn’t torture Matt, and during the video taping said he’d be treated as a captive soldier. They said they executed him, and in that situation all a person can really ask for is a quick painless death. One to the back of my head, while not welcomed, would be a far better alternative than what happened to others who were beheaded.
I suppose I’m rambling at the moment. Just trying to make sense of this world, I suppose you have to live each day like they’re the last. Spend the time you can with those you love, and do what it is that makes you happy. Somewhere out there is another person who never got that chance, and you should live yours for them as well.